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All Saints’ Day: the worst best subjects proposed to Nord journalists

DailyNord en anglais Par | 30 octobre 2014

We love our press attachés. Especially when they propose a subject to the editor for All Saints’ Day! DailyNord has had a bit of fun gathering together the best proposals.

Everything starts with a polite opening expression. “Hello, I’m the press officer for Super Funeral Parlour, number one in… bla bla bla.” But things quickly take a turn for the worse. Our press attaché wants to propose subjects to help “sell” their client’s services. Cos death is like any other business. And All Saints’ Day is a bandwagon that comes back but once a year.… with potentially free advertising space instead of your expensive ‘pay-for’ kind. So why shouldn’t press attachés try to jump on it with their suggestions for out-of-ideas journalists?

“Deadly” trends

And for that, our press attaché (*) is quite happy to peddle his wares disguised as a “regional trend”. And their favourite bandwagon is the one that it’s “in fashion” to be cremated in the “Nord region” “Demand for cremation here varies between 36% and 45% while the national average is between 33% and 34%”, the communiqué explains.

It’s also fashionable in Ch’tiland to have a personal sending off with “music brought by the family, readings, photos and videos”, our press agent goes on to explain to whet the journalist’s appetite. It’s a must with its columbarium and beloved’s funeral urn smack in the middle. Does he think we were born yesterday? We’ve already covered that story!

Death on your heels 2.0

If the “trendy” approach strikes out, our press attaché yields their ultimate weapon, more “techno” than “trendy”. Death 2.0 – Yes, I said Death 2.0! Today, you have your very own “Made in Nord-Pas-de-Calais” websites offering “an online service in memory of your beloved which accompanies you through your moment of sorrow.” The photo on the tombstone is so fuddy-duddy in the 21 century with its digital memorials, scanned photos, SMS homages and even – they’ve thought of everything – virtual candles!

When it comes to names and punch-lines, “blablamort.fr, the site that isn’t afraid of death”, beats them all. It presents itself as the first commemorative site with an e-commerce feel about it in the Nord. “This site enables you to make all the necessary preparations and purchases to organise a funeral“: send e-funeral invitations; order flowers online, set up a funeral collection box, share memories, design a funeral mass booklet, send e-thank yous, reserve a caterer, create in-memory-of album and even do all the necessary administrative steps!

Chanel vs LIDL

It might have escaped certain journalists but what with the crisis, “low cost” funerals are making their entry into the market. And just as well as the first discount funeral parlour has recently opened up in Lille. Its secret? “Reduction of production costs and a highly advantageous central procurement service” as explained in a preview press release. So you get to pay 50% less for a funeral service “at the lowest price but still with dignity“. “Dying should not be a luxury“, the General Director apostrophises with his fingers before adding: “Buying Chanel doesn’t stop you from shopping at LIDL“. A deadly citation eh?

(*) Our excuses to the press attaché: despite our best intentions, we have not managed to slip in the name of the discount funeral parlour.

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